He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
