I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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