hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
