We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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