Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
