***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
