This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Found the puke drawer
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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