I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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