When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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