Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
