so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
