I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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