I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
