i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
