he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
