I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
