I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
