I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
