the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
