My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have feelings that need drinking.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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