You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
