She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just blew my weed a kiss
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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