Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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