It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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