i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
