Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
