it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
