I want to walk on stilts...naked
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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