we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
