Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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