I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
