yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
