According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
