I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
