and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
