i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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