Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
