it was like his penis was on wheels.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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