I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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