I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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