I am puke
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
