That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
