Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
