those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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