I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Enjoy the penises
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
