They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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