You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
