The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
