i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
