i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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