my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
