I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm like, not good at living.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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