remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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